You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
