you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The struggles of a small town man whore
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
