i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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