Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
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