Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
