i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
