Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
