My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
