im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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