How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
