can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
