Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
