He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
