"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
