Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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