My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Someone came in the potted fern
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
