nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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