Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
