When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
