Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
