i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
