I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
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Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
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Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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