party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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