I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
