I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
