C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
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We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
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Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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