I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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