why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
