I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
