She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
