I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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