farters have to be the big spoon...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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