I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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