What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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