There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
