I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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