somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
