Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
