We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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