i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
