he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
