I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize