This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize