I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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