he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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