There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize