I'm pants shitting drunk right now
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
