mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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