cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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