I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Found the puke drawer
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
