Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
