If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What happened to fro yo and sex?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
