My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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