I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
