Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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