We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
