I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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