I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.