Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.