i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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