My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
