I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I AM VODKA MAN
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
