wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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